Globe-Trotting Boyfriend Inspires World Travel

I could follow my boyfriend to the ends of the earth.

And that's not just passionate hyperbole.

Clyde is actually going to China, Thailand, Viet Nam, and Qatar in the next few months for his job.

When he called me last week from Beijing, it blew my mind to think we were as far away from each other as it is possible to be while still on this planet. As a genetic Nebraskan, naturally, I wanted to know what the weather was like over in China and what he had been eating. In case you're wondering, the weather was cold, and as for food, I was sorry I asked. Clyde's vivid descriptions of the crunchy insects and wriggling sea creatures for sale on Beijing streets left me a little queasy.

Nausea not withstanding, as Clyde's significant other with available PTO, I am in the enviable position of tagging along occasionally. So next month, I'll be accompanying him to another part of China, Hong Kong.

It's been 10 years since I stepped outside of the United States. Usually, my universe exists between central Denver and suburban Highlands Ranch where I work. I go to California once or twice a year and occasionally venture into the foreign lands of Wyoming and Nebraska.

Clyde says Hong Kong is a good first place to visit in Asia. The city-state welcomes people from the west and signs are often in English so you can get around with less chance of getting lost.

I am excited about my first trip to Asia, but I'm a little nervous too. Clyde assures me there will be plenty to eat that doesn't wiggle on the way down. But what clothes should I wear? I'll probably want to avoid the usual American outfit of short-shorts, t-shirt, and flip-flops. What will it cost to use my iPhone? What about jet-lag? What if the Chinese don't like me?

This is an incredible opportunity to see a distant place with someone who's already familiar with it. In return, I have offered to sweep Clyde away for a weekend in Nebraska. Can you believe he's never been there?

Getting into the "Spirit" of Halloween

Around the big old houses in my neighborhood which tend to be spooky anyway, skeletons are springing up in front yards and witches are flying suspended in trees.

My decorations, like my home, are considerably more modest in comparison. I am thinking of picking up a cheap plastic ghost to hang on the screen door.

My boyfriend has already put three pumpkins on the front step. Combined with the occasional ghostly cat in the window (see photo) and the dead leaves I tend not to sweep away, they could create an eerie ambiance if you squint just right.

I'm not a big Halloween lover. I always thought the depictions of death and violence were, well, scary. I don't like being scared. Real life is frightening enough, what with supervolcanos and congressional gridlock and the like.

Because some past Halloweens have overlapped  with personal experiences of illness and death, I don't particularly think fake cemeteries in front yards are funny.

But I'm in the minority.

Perhaps its the skeletal appearance of trees recently shed of leaves, or the longer, darker nights, but this time of year, people seem preoccupied with the specter of death. In Mexico, Dia de Muertos mocks it with colorful celebrations and comic ghoulishness. In some Christian traditions, less fun of course, All Saints and All Souls Days solemnly commemorate those who have passed on.

Most of us in the U.S. mainstream culture, however, dress up in fanciful costumes, drape fake spider webs around our homes, and give lots of candy to children.

As a child, I happily participated in Halloween traditions. Every year, I wore a cheap plastic mask through which I could barely breathe, the condensation building around my mouth until I had to lift it away from my face. I blindly felt skinned grapes which I was told were eyes and ran my fingers through cold spaghetti which felt like brains. I scrupulously avoided apples and popcorn balls which could be laced with razor blades. I watched the Charlie Brown Halloween special hoping year after year that maybe, just maybe, this time the Great Pumpkin would show up for Linus, but he never did.

Frankly, what I enjoy most about Halloween is that it kind of kicks off the holidays for the rest of the year. After trick or treat, it's only a short stretch to Thanksgiving, followed by my birthday which ranks high on the celebration scale, and Christmas, of course.

This year, however, I'm in a new home where neighbors go all out with the spooky decorations. I have to consider the possibility that there will be children knocking at my door expecting candy. I should probably up my game a little and get into the, quote, spirit of the season. I had better get that plastic ghost on my door.

Some People Aren't People People

Apparently I'm not a people person.

I sort of knew this already, but it feels somehow different to have it confirmed by someone else. It came to my attention when a new employee was marched around by a supervisor to meet everyone in the office. When they got to me and Michael, my coworker, the supervisor explained that if the new guy had any questions, he'd better ask Michael because Bill is not, "a people person."

Hmmm.

Well, I am an analytic introvert, so I had to think about it for a minute before I decided I was insulted. By the time I had a witty retort, they'd already walked away.

Even if he was just kidding, the comment kind of touched a nerve.

In my family, being good with people was highly valued. With all the medical, education, and mental health professionals in the family, my dad wondered why I was his only kid who worked in a corporation just for money. It's not that I didn't try teaching school and working in the ministry. I just ended up, for a variety of reasons, working in corporate America and spending more time with computers than with other human beings.

I may not be the most effusive person in the world. I know I have a reputation for being "standoffish" and "aloof." Part of this is because I don't care to hang around the water cooler and gossip or discuss last night's reality TV. Don't even ask me about the local sports teams. I usually keep my mouth shut when others pointlessly blab their political opinions. I don't express every thought I think or feeling I feel. I'd rather get to work and get it done so I can leave early, not that that ever happens.

Also, I'm shy. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, it just takes time to get up the gumption.

I'm actually an extreme introvert but that doesn't mean I don't care for people or that I can't interact. It certainly doesn't mean I don't have feelings.

But I'm not unfriendly. I've cracked the odd joke or two. I certainly wouldn't mind answering the questions of a new employee.

You know who's not good with people? That jerky supervisor.

New Home Ready for People to See

Regular readers are aware of the challenges I've faced this summer in my new (old) home, somewhat beleaguered with unexpected "issues."

Well, I've tackled many of the issues and my domicile is becoming more livable. It hasn't been a smooth, or cheap, process, but I am moving bravely forward.

For example, the guest bed has been delivered, in plenty of time for the first overnight visitors. Or, well, actually just one visitor. One short visitor (the person being short, not the visit). Turns out the bed is a lot smaller than I expected. Don't ever order a sofa-bed from a catalog. On the upside, Charles the cat has claimed it as his own and covered it with fur.

The prominently empty wall in the living room now has a canvas photographic print which brings out and brightens the colors in the room (wow, I almost sound like a decorator). I still hope to secure an original piece of art from a well known artist - or at least an artist that I know well.

Ants and wasps have been properly subdued. Some other insects continue to challenge. Charles likes to watch spiders. They flourish under his gaze. Miller-moths really bring out his inner wild hunter, but as far as I know he has yet to catch one.

I'm in the process of figuring out where to put my Christmas tree when the time comes.

I still need things like candles and throw pillows (not too many - one can go way overboard with throw pillows).  Please don't give me these things - I want to pick my own. Thank you.

I'm still aghast that there are no drawers in the kitchen - that's right, NO drawers - I do have a system of hooks and canisters for organizing everything.

I haven't been able to get a handle on are the outside chores. My "garden" and patio are overgrown with weeds, or at least I assume they are weeds. How do you tell what's good and what to pull? Some of those invasive species are really pretty. I've done some weeding but the more I do the worse it seems to get. Fortunately it will soon succumb to winter and I won't have to think about it for a few months.

I still don't understand how my furnace works. It's a long story, but the short of it is I'd better learn before it gets cold.

The bump in the garage floor that scrapes the bottom of the car is still there and always will be. I've learned to drive around it, but there's a problem. It seems to be moving from one side of the garage to the other.

The good news is that I'm ready to invite people over to see the place. If you're in the area September 28, 2013 at 7:00 p.m., stop by for the official housewarming party. It promises to be a fabulous event. Or at least, there will be some food set out. Just let me know if you're coming so I'll have enough chips and salsa. And please, no gifts. I want the house warmed with your presence, not your presents.

Making the "A" List

 I've never been in the "A" group.

When I was a kid, I was strictly a B student. Socially, I was either a loner or a music/theatre nerd. Notice how I spell theatre? That's how theatre nerds spell it.

As an adult, I've rarely rubbed elbows with the "A" Gays, a status conscious caste of gay men - their expensive fashion, cars, homes, and "A" list parties hold little attraction for me. My idea of a good party is to eat pizza and listen to music from the '80s. Come to think of it, I have a lot of parties by myself.

Anyway, being an "A" lister was never something to which I aspired. Until a business trip a couple of weeks ago when I had to fly Southwest Airlines.

If you've flown Southwest, you know what I'm talking about. On a normal airline you can reserve a seat ahead of time, indicating your preference of window or aisle and choosing whether to sit at the front of the plane where it's less bumpy or in the rear where you're more likely to survive a crash. On Southwest, they don't assign seats. You have to compete with other passengers while being herded onto the plane like cattle.

In order to avoid a total stampede, Southwest thoughtfully divides the passengers into three groups. When you get your boarding pass, instead of a seat number, it tells you whether you're in group A, B, or C. The A group gets to board first. The B group boards after the A group, and the C group is just pathetically out of luck, destined to fill up the middle seats, sitting crammed between two other passengers with their elbows turned inward towards their ribs.

For the first flight, I did everything right, at least what I usually do for a normal, assigned seat, airline. I logged into the Southwest web site the night before and printed my boarding pass. Out came a piece of paper with a great big C on it. Good grief! All the A and B passes were already gone. What if I'd waited to check in until I got to the airport? Could I even get on the plane?

The next day at Denver International Airport, I had to watch while the A group lined up and slowly boarded, their huge carry-on bags promising to take up even more room. Then I watched as the B group, slightly more lackluster, did the same. Then the Cs were called. My group of sad sacks. C stands for clueless, I thought. Those not savvy enough to get their boarding passes adequately early.

I'm not a very competitive person. I hate sports and I don't strive to be the first to have the latest anything (technology, car, what have you). But you'd better believe that for the return flight, I logged in exactly 24 hours before takeoff, the soonest they allow you to do it, and got an A boarding pass. I was not going to be in the Clueless group again.

My next flight isn't until November but I've already made my reservation. As I booked the ticket on the United Airlines website, I went to the graphic of the 787 Dreamliner plane and clicked on the most convenient looking aisle seat. There will be plenty of stress on that long flight. Wondering where I'm going to sit will not be part of it.

Teachers: It's Back to School Time

Teachers on Facebook are whining about going back to work after having a few weeks off during the summer.

Someone I know who works in the public schools wonders what the rest of us, who didn't get the summer off, must think. Since I used to be a teacher and now work in the corporate world, I feel qualified to address her concern.

I understand the whining. Sure, I'd like to have summers off, and two or three weeks at Christmas - sorry, winter break, and many other major holidays now that you mention it. But as much as I enjoyed school teaching, I think I'll hold on to my office job.

Unlike most teachers, I spend most of my work day sitting down. I take my lunch when it's convenient, and if I return a few minutes late, all hell will not break loose.

Since I'm not a teacher, I can go to the bathroom when I need to go - I don't have to wait for a break between classes if I'm lucky enough to get away from students who need me.

When I have a doctor's appointment I can usually slip away for an hour without much problem.

I may not have summers off, but I do get some paid time off which I can take any time during the year. I actually enjoy vacations in the off season when the kids are all in school.

I work in a comfortable office in my own private cubicle. I can pick my nose without being seen. I can make a quick phone call to the cat's veterinarian. I even listen to the radio sometimes while I work.

My office is safe. There is no gang activity, and very little violence.

I don't have to deal with parents and politicians who think my job is easy.

My office has plenty of  paper and pens. I don't have to bring supplies from home because there's not enough in the budget for what I need..

And while we're at it, not all teachers get the summer off. Besides summer school, many teachers go back to further their education on their own time and on their own dollar.

So if you hear teachers whining about summer ending, give them a break. During the school year, sometimes they have to hold it all day.

Reality TV Not Real Enough

I don't watch "reality television." It's not realistic enough.

Catching just a glimpse of The Bachelor, I notice, for example, that the participants are impossibly good looking - they don't look like anyone real that I know. Not that my friends aren't good looking. But they are real.

I have enjoyed a couple of episodes of the Amazing Race, thanks to my friend John. Those contestants at least travel to real locations around the world, though they don't spend any time learning about where they are. They just eat the food or do whatever disgusting task they are assigned before moving on to the next location.

I do not understand, for the life of me, the appeal of following characters like the Kardashians or Honey Boo Boo. Who cares about these people? I'm more interested in watching my neighbors, who are real people, come and go. And some of them are quite good looking.

I want reality TV to reflect, you know, reality.

I have some great ideas for reality shows that reflect actual lives like mine.

How about one called Rush Hour? It's a game of suspense, where contestants have to choose the fastest route home from work at 5:00 p.m. Think about the skill it takes to deal with a traffic jam. Can you anticipate which lane will move the fastest? Do you take the next exit and risk taking side streets all the way home or stay the course in case things loosen up? A little side game could be called "Find the Radio Station that will Give a Traffic Report First," or just "Find a Radio Station" if your public broadcaster is having a pledge week. Throw in some extra drama, like what happens if the gas tank is almost empty. Or you really have to pee but it's at least 20 minutes til home. Or ethical dilemmas: what if your cell phone goes off while you're just sitting there? Is it ok to answer it if the car's not moving? At the end, the exhausted winner gets to have dinner with the family.

I should do a pitch to the networks. I have tons more.

• Computer Races - see how much work you can get done while software updates automatically install on your computer followed by a mandatory restart. If you win, you don't have to redo that project you forgot to save.
• Dishwasher Wars - how creative can you get in order to cram everything into the dishwasher no matter how full it gets. If you lose, you have to do the extra dishes by hand.
• Pill the Cat - now there's a reality show, full of drama and action, suspense, and tears (yours or the cat's). If you lose, you have a bloody finger and a resentful cat. We could film this one at my house, twice a day. 
• Is He or Isn't He? Is She or Isn't She? - Everyone has a neighbor, coworker, or relative who might be gay, but no one is sure. You can't tell just by looking anymore. These days, anyone can wear any kind of jewelry anywhere on their body, not to mention bright colored or plaid clothing. Tattoos and bodyscaping (shaving various areas of your body) are no longer indicators of orientation.  Some people won't define their sexuality one way or the other. There is no prize in this game, because chances are you'll never actually figure it out.
• Elevator Mind Games - Get into an elevator on the top floor and push the button for the bottom floor. Subtract points every time you have to stop to let people on or off. Lose double points if someone gets on and rides just one floor instead of taking the stairs.

It's not that I don't like looking at beautiful bodies on The Bachelor. It's just no match for true reality.