I Wanted the Dowager Countess But All I Got Was Lady Mary

What's with all the personalized quizzes on Facebook? Along with cat videos and bitter political opining, announcements like the following proliferate: "I got Ginger, which castaway from Gilligan's Island are you?"

First, I'd like to say that these quizzes are a waste of time and serve no useful purpose. What kind of society values measuring yourself against shallow, fictional characters or pop culture icons? Wouldn't our leisure time be better spent studying the New York Times website or watching BBC News on TV?

Second, I'd like to say that I really enjoy taking those quizzes. It's interesting to compare myself with friends, although sometimes the outcomes are a bit puzzling. For example, I see myself as more of a Mary Ann.

If somehow you don't know what I"m talking about, just check out buzzfeed.com. They seem to be generating the most.

Here are some of the quizzes I've taken along with the results:

• What profession should you have? - I got writer. So far so good.
• Which President would you be? - Obama. Yeah!
• Which Star Trek character are you? - Captain Picard. Damn straight!
• Which Golden Girl are you? - Dorothy. There was general consensus on that one.
• Which period in history are you? - Elizabethan. Hmm. Ok. I did enjoy the Cate Blanchett movies.
• Which Downton Abbey character are you? - Naturally I was hoping for the Dowager Countess Violet, but I got Lady Mary instead. I guess that's ok. Just give Mary a few decades and she'll out dowage the Dowager.
• Which Big Bang Theory character are you? - The quiz said I was Penny. That was a real shock. Of course, she is from Nebraska. Perhaps that's it.
• Thank goodness for the "Friends" quiz. Of Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Ross, I got Chandler. I'm surprised I didn't get Phoebe based on the Penny experience. Could I BE any more sarcastic?
• What city are you? - I apparently most closely matched Phoenix. Phoenix? Really? Not someplace cool like Portland? I was really jealous of my friends who got Portland. It's bad enough that I can't be my chosen home city of Denver. But Phoenix? I guess it could be worse. It could be Tulsa or anywhere in Texas.
• Which state should you live in? - I got Louisiana. LOUISIANA? I can't even begin to explain that one. I did get very drunk in New Orleans some 30 years ago, but generally I'm not into bayous, large clumps of moss hanging from tree branches, or washing machines on the front porch. Wait, that's Alabama. At least that's what I remember about it from driving through.

I guess they aren't necessarily scientifically sophisticated tests. But they are fun. Here are some quizzes I'd like to take but haven't - yet:

• Which member of the royal family are you? - I'd want to be the Queen, of course, but I'd probably get Prince Charles.
• Which flavor of ice cream would you be? - I'd probably get vanilla. I've actually been accused of being vanilla in the past. I wouldn't dare to hope for, say, rocky road.
• Which Charlie's Angel are you? - Jill. Hands down, Jill.
• What Old Testament character would you be? Probably something slightly obscure and scandalous, like Jezebel or a resident of Sodom.

Yep, it's a huge waste of time, but as entertainment goes, what else would you be doing? It's a nice break from all those kitten videos.

Commencement Speech Wisdom

'Tis graduation season. All around us, high schools and universities are turning students loose on the world. Graduates don robes and funny looking flat-topped hats called mortar boards. That monotonous Pomp and Circumstance music plays over and over again. Friends and families sit uncomfortably waiting for their own among hundreds to march up to the stage and receive a written symbol of their hard earned diploma or degree.

A highlight of the event is the commencement speech. In big universities, it's usually delivered by someone noteworthy, like the President of the United States or a late night talk show host. Regardless of the speaker, the speech optimistically discharges the graduates with inspirational stories and a few pearls of wisdom.

I've always wanted to give a commencement speech. What better way to share my long accumulated wisdom? But I'm not a President or a late night talk show host. In fact, I'm usually in bed by 8:30. But I suppose I could write the speech anyway, in case someone needs a last minute replacement speaker.

COMMENCEMENT SPEECH:

To the class of 2014, here is some advice based on my personal experience which I wish to pass along to you:

You are not your job. You are not your car. You are not your house. Your identity is in your ethics, how you treat people, who you love.

Your first job won't be your life-long work. What you end up doing won't be what you think it will be today. At Nebraska Wesleyan University, I prepared for a career in education and expected to be a school teacher for the rest of my life. But I've also worked as an administrative assistant, youth minister, video and audio editor, technical writer, camp director, book and movie reviewer, feature writer, and quality assurance manager. Now I design computer based training which is a task I never could have conceived back at NWU.

Get a Triple A membership. That's American Automobile Association. You won't be sorry when you lock your keys in the car on Thanksgiving day. This didn't happen to me. It was someone I know (ahem, my sister). And if you do lock your keys in the car, make sure the engine isn't running. Ok, that one happened to me.

Always pee before getting into an elevator. I didn't do that once and sure enough, the stupid thing got stuck between floors. The voice on the intercom asked if I could wait a few minutes. I said, "Not really." After the maintenance guys finally pried open the door, I quickly thanked them and ran down the hall.

Clean out the freezer. If the meat has been there more than a year, throw it out. Cleaning out a freezer is like finding a 50,000 year old mammoth in a glacier. It can be of historical interest, but mostly it's just gross. While you're at it, clean out the pantry too. That spice you bought during the Clinton administration isn't doing anyone any good.

Education doesn't end with your degree. Keep learning. Travel. Try new things. Experience other cultures. Read books. Associate with people who are different from you. Watch The News Hour in addition to TMZ. Continue your education so you don't stop thinking. Life will always be interesting if you're growing your mind.

If you're going to ride in the back seat of your boyfriend's jeep, make sure his mother isn't sitting in the front when you get car sick and vomit in that general direction. I don't think I need to say anything more than that.

Be nice to people who are paid to take care of you. I mean restaurant servers, hotel housekeepers, doormen/women. Say please and thank you. Acknowledge their humanity. Tip well. Not only will you get better service, you'll feel better because you won't be acting like an asshole.

Here's an old fashioned idea: successful people have a responsibility to give back to the community. Rich people have an obligation to help the poor. By virtue of your education you are rich, no matter how much money you have. Whether through politics, charity, or volunteering, don't just take all that life has to give you. Give something back.

So for what it's worth, there's my graduation advice. Good luck out in the world!