Saturday, April 26, 2014

Tennis Elbow Not a Trivial Injury

Here's a nugget of wisdom I'd like to share with you: if it's been a while since you've been to the gym, don't jump into your old routine right away. You're out of shape. You'll hurt yourself. I know what I'm talking about.

Last summer, I moved into a high-maintenance condo-house which came with a lot of drama. I also met a new boyfriend, Clyde. Those two things kept me pretty busy.

So I temporarily stopped going to the gym. For about six months.

Meanwhile, Clyde and I discovered some common interests, including a fondness for premium ice cream.

As a result, I put on weight.

By New Years, I was decidedly fat. It was time to put some limits on the ice cream and start exercising again.

My first day back at the gym, I worked out on the elliptical and did some spinning. It felt great to be getting back in shape. After the cardio stuff, as was my habit in the past, I approached a weight lifting machine with gleeful abandon. I did ten, then twenty repetitions with just the right amount of sweat. I moved on to another machine. I was such a bad ass.

The next day, I couldn't move my arm.  A sharp pain near my funny bone constricted every movement. It felt as if I'd banged my elbow really hard on the counter.  I figured it would go away after a few days. Clyde, something of an expert in medical matters, speculated that I may have torn a tendon or cracked a bone. I berated myself for working out without properly warming up.

Long story short (too late, I know), after a couple months of pain and a visit to my doctor, an orthopedic surgeon diagnosed the injury as "tennis elbow."

No, I don't play tennis.

Tennis elbow sounds so trivial, like a medical condition only the rich have the luxury of suffering. But I'm telling you, it hurts like crazy. I can't lift heavy things. I have to use my other arm for raising the garage door. It's painful to shake hands.

Tennis elbow is caused by non-inflammatory, chronic activity in the tendon around the elbow.  There is no cure. Only time heals tennis elbow. Like a year. It can be treated with a brace strap thing. Many nights I take an ice pack to bed.

I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I'm just trying to raise awareness of the condition. Perhaps I could do a public service announcement or have some fundraisers featuring celebrities. Some sort of marathon, or perhaps a tennis match, is certainly in order. What color do you suppose the ribbon should be? What about a slogan? "Bend for the cure," comes to mind. Or, "T.E:  it's not just for tennis anymore."

In any case, I'll bare my suffering with that quiet dignity for which I am so well known. I think some ice cream would make me feel better.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Contemplating Life in Distant States

I love California. It truly has everything: obviously the coast and great weather, but also mountains, farms, and desert; big cities, small towns, beautiful countryside. On the coast, it's always spring with temperatures that range from cool to warm. There's nothing like the sound of pounding surf as you gaze from the pier up to the mountains; palm trees silhouetted against the hills as wave after wave crashes into the shore.

California truly has it all. Every time I visit, I ask myself why I don't live there.

So naturally, Clyde and I recently discussed moving to Minnesota.

Yep, you read correctly. Circumstances at Clyde's job were pointing to an opportunity in Minneapolis. When invited to visit, we went to check it out for ourselves.

Minnesota is no slouch as states go. It also has big cities, small towns, and beautiful countryside. While not particularly noted for mountains, there are lots of lakes and forests in which to experience nature. There's no ocean, but Lake Superior is certainly big and wavy.

The only problem with Minnesota really is just that it's so terribly freaking cold. Everyone we met seemed shell shocked by this past winter's extremely low temperatures. I've never seen an entire state so weary of snow. Even a local TV meteorologist, typically good natured and upbeat, humorlessly cursed the few inches that had fallen as we arrived. With exasperation, he described how the snow had all melted, only to reappear. He couldn't guarantee that it wouldn't happen again before spring finally asserted itself.

I remember living in eastern Nebraska when the snow stayed on the ground all winter and it never warmed up and you could go for weeks without seeing the sun. Ice on the road never melted, it just wore out if you were lucky. It can only be colder in states further north.

I've been to Minnesota many times. I like Minneapolis very much. It features the advantages of a fine city, including the arts and liberal minded people. The airport is conveniently located in town (unlike some other airports I could name ... Denver International) with light rail connecting the terminals to downtown. I already have friends there. I could live there.

Oh, and Saint Paul is very nice too.

I'm sure Saint Paul always appreciates being mentioned as a casual afterthought.

But in the end, the moon and stars realigned with the juxtapositions of work and home. It looks like we're staying put for the time being.

At least I am.

Clyde actually will be relocating soon. He'll be moving in with me and the cats.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Important Issues of the Day: Celebrity Guest Appearances

I looked forward all day to booting up my DVR to watch the sitcom New Girl. I carefully arranged dinner on the coffee table, situated the remotes for maximum accessibility, elbowed the cats away from my plate, and prepared to relax with a chuckle at lead Zooey Deschanel and a great ensemble cast including a bunch of really cute guys. My hopes for a pleasant evening were dashed when I realized that it was a rerun of the episode where they all go to Prince's house.

I didn't want to sit through that one the first time, let alone as a rerun.

I know it's just a sitcom, but do you really expect me to believe a group of socially challenged, underemployed young people who can barely afford to cohabit in their LA loft actually get invited to a party thrown by a 1980s pop legend? Do people Zooey's age even know who Prince is? What favors were called in so he could promote himself on this popular show?

I'm usually pretty annoyed when celebrities make appearances as themselves on my favorite shows. It's unrealistic. Implausible. It disrupts ongoing plot elements. And if I don't like the celebrity, it bugs me even more. Prince, as it happens, has always really irritated me. Between the screeching and the hair I've always had a kind of stomach churning reaction to the guy.

But it's not just Prince. It's any self-promoting celebrity appearing on fictional television.

You may have to have been alive in the 1970s to remember the worst, or best, examples of celebrity aggrandizement on a sitcom. On Lucille Ball's TV sitcom, Here's Lucy, there was a different special guest star every week. I would get so irritated at Lucy gushing and fawning over the celebs who almost always played themselves. It was the same plot over and over. Lucy would act like she'd never met a famous person before when in fact, all she ever did was to meet them. She was, herself, bigger than most of them anyway.

To me, Here's Lucy reeked of lazy TV writing. But I was only in grade school at the time so what did I know?

Could I BE any gayer? I'm trashing a TV show that's been off the air for 40 years. But I never missed an episode.

There is one guest star who plays himself on a sitcom and pulls it off: Will Wheaton, who's acting career peaked when he was a teenager playing Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation, has a recurring role on The Big Bang Theory. Wheaton plays himself with deprecation and humor.

Hot in Cleveland is a funny show where they also have a lot of celebrity guest stars. Joan Rivers, Mary Tyler Moore, Carol Burnett, the guy from Modern Family, that other guy from that one show ... But on HIC, the celebrities play characters, not themselves. It's highly entertaining to see familiar faces in new roles, entertaining instead of just self-promoting.

Maybe Will Wheaton's career hasn't peaked after all. Big Bang is one of the most popular shows on television. And Carol Burnett looked great on Hot in Cleveland. Mary Tyler Moore, however, didn't look so good.