BillsWeek Guest Entry: Confessions of a Drag Hag

Sometimes the best surprises come in fabulous packages. Last summer, guest blogger Joey Halligan discovered and recorded one amazing drag queen. Now, he's in the process of helping her go national, including competition in the Logo network's First Exceptional Drag Queen contest. Here's his story:

It all started one scorching day in June during the Denver Pride Festival. Nina Flowers and her band of drag performers took the main stage and performed in front of nearly 275,000 spectators. There I stood, among all the other viewers, wondering just what these girls were about to do.

They performed to songs by such artists as Lady Gaga, Pink and Beyonce. In the spirit of collecting memories of that fun summer day, I took pictures of them all. But when Felony Misdemeanor appeared on stage, I saw something different.

She displayed her signature sartorial elegance. She worked the stage and the audience. But there was something drastically different about Felony. In fact, she was the only one I recorded. She was the only one that looked natural in her element. As the show came to a close, I knew I would be watching the video clip of Felony again, and it would probably end there. I was wrong.

After the show, Nina Flowers introduced her girls to the crowd. She brought them out individually and let each diva have her moment of glory. Felony Misdemeanor, like all the rest, underwent a rapid wardrobe change, and upon her reentry to the stage, wore a tank top with 10 digits. A random selection of numbers? Of course not. She was silently publicizing her phone number, made a phone gesture with her hand and mouthed the phrase: “Call me!”

The next day I was watching all my footage from the weekend with a friend and came across her performance. I couldn’t believe this drag queen printed her phone number on her tank top for all to see!

We had to call. How could we not? At the very least, I had to tell her “good job”. Just as I expected, we went straight to her voicemail but still left a heartfelt message, telling her just how good she looked on stage. To my surprise, she called back.

During the next few days, we exchanged phone calls and text messages. Before I knew it, I was cheering her on at her local performances and bringing along friends to watch (and tip, of course). We then started talking about her plans for the future. We thought of ways to market Felony to the public, created a complete website and supported her along the way. We even created pseudo roles that all made up the Felony Misdemeanor project, aka Team Felony.

Now that I know Felony, and as the boy behind the make-up, I have a new-found respect for female impersonators. The transformation is jaw dropping. But more than anything, Felony is an amazing person - in and out of drag. She loves to eat all kinds of food - the spicier the better, play video games and hang out with friends. Sounds pretty normal, huh? You never quite know when or where you’re going to meet great people.

Visit Felony’s site at http://www.felony-misdemeanor.com/ and vote for her to be Logo’s first Exceptional Drag Queen!

Joey Halligan is an excellent human being and occasional contributor to BillsWeek. You can reach him at JoeyHalligan@me.com.

Scott Brown Can Do It But Miss America Can't

Scott Brown, the new senator from Massachusetts, is handsome, charming, and Republican. The press has made much of the fact that because of his election, the Democrats have lost their super-majority. Of course the dems weren’t making any use of it, but that's not what I want to write about today.

My question is, how can Scott Brown get away with having posed nude?

In case you missed it, Senator Brown did a centerfold for Cosmo in 1982 when he apparently wasn't running for public office. Beyond some guffaws on programs like the Daily Show and Wanda Sykes, this, well, exposure, has barely been mentioned.

Why, when a good looking Republican politician is "revealed" in uncovered repose, is it basically laughed off? But when a nude picture of Miss America surfaces, she is forced to step down.

Can you imagine the Republican outcry if a nude picture of Barack Obama surfaced from 1982? Like Scott Brown, he's handsome and charming. But I'm sure the GOP would be apoplectic with outrage, decrying the President's values and judgment.

Naturally, I got online to find the photo of Scott Brown for research purposes and I have to say, he's pretty naked (read that any way you like).

Because of the internet, it is easier than ever to turn scandalous photos loose on the world. When a video surfaced of Olympic champion Michael Phelps smoking a joint last year, all hell broke loose. College students are cautioned today not to be photographed drinking beer for fear it will be published on a social network and potential employers will find it. Yikes, I’m wondering what embarrassing moments of my youth were documented and may surface online.

It's awfully easy to get into trouble for an indiscretion caught on camera. Why does Scott Brown, who actually went to the trouble to pose, get away with it?

Cadence of the Tides

“Remember you are dust.”

3:30 in the morning and wide awake, I go to the cliffs.

In pre-dawn darkness and heavy fog, I only hear the cracking of the waves below, the eternal rhythm of a nearly endless ocean from which that early living creature commencing all known life crawled to the shore.

I feel it in my heartbeat.

The rhythm of the ages, of ancestors I cannot fathom, of a mother that I miss, the loved ones yet to be conceived in the ebb and flow of mortal life.

We come and go and come again, the cadence of the tides. The red clay sticks to my shoes. The sun rises for another day.

“And to dust you shall return.”

Bayside on V-Day

Sitting on my balcony overlooking the bay
Left snowy Denver early today
Toes wiggling in the open air, computer on my lap
San Diego skyline brightens Valentine crap
Palm trees waving gently, lowering my stress
Went to Orange County, was not overly impressed.

Reasons Why I go to San Diego Every February: A BillsWeek List

Surfers off Ocean Beach Pier


• The smell of green grass.
• Palm trees.
• The Pacific Ocean.
• Surfers in the Pacific Ocean.
• Spring-like temperatures generally in the 60s (this time of year). I’ve been there when it’s been in the 80s and the 40s, however, so dressing in layers is a good idea.
• Wildlife in The Pacific Ocean (seagulls hanging out, pelicans diving off the pier for fish, sometimes I even see dolphins).
• Wearing shorts and sandals outside.
• Ocean, Coronado, and La Jolla Beaches – where I spend hours and hours walking along the Pacific Ocean in my shorts and sandals.
• Ocean Beach Pier: the longest on the west coast and a great place to watch the large waves coming in off the great Pacific Ocean.
• Balboa Park – site of the 1915 World Exposition, an outdoor pipe organ, and palm trees. You can also lie on the green grass and watch big jets fly just over your head on their way to the local airport.
• The airport, by the way, is conveniently located near downtown, just minutes from wherever you want to go, unlike some other airports which are miles and miles and miles away from the city out in the middle of nowhere.
• Cheaper to get to than Hawaii or Australia.
• The option to visit Sea World, the Wildlife Park, a first class zoo, the Scripps Aquarium, whale watches, the Maritime Museum (where you can walk around on an old sailing ship which carried immigrants from England to New Zealand I believe), Los Angeles just up the road, or Mexico just down the road. Of course I rarely or never do these things, but it’s nice to have the option.
• People in San Diego drive up to their local mountains when it snows. I do not do this.
• Flowers blooming.
• This is the time of year when the seals at La Jolla give birth to their pups. So cool to see those wiggly little babies torment their more staid elders.
• Watching air craft carriers and huge Navy ships come and go. There are also sailors.
• Hiking on the Sunset Cliffs. In shorts. In winter.
• I don’t care what anybody says, I think California is awesome!

Breaking Up the Long Winter Blah

As winters go, Denver isn’t bad. We occasionally get the big snows, but it melts within days. We don’t have the ruts of ice on the street that you find in the midwest. When I lived in eastern Nebraska, that first November snow was still there in March as a pile of dark, hard ice. Here in the mile high, the winter temps can climb into in the 50s. The sky is often a magnificent deep blue, and the snow covered Rocky Mountains stand guard over the city.

But in my opinion, this time of year still sucks, even in Colorado. From my office window, I can see a carpet of dirty air lying over the region. “You mean we are breathing that stuff?” we regularly say of the infamous winter “Brown Cloud.” All the trees are bare and, well, brown, and while we're at it, so is the grass. There is not a stitch of green anywhere.

There are many Coloradoans whose favorite season is winter. I am not one of them. No matter how luxurious the "champagne powder snow" is up in the mountains, it’s still brown down here.

The colder weather is tolerable during November and December. There are holidays to look forward to, and time off from work. Pretty colored lights brighten the darkness. It's fun to get out the sweaters and flannel sheets.

By mid-February, Christmas is a distant memory and Memorial Day is impossibly far away. There seems no relief from the dark nights and brown days. I've always hated February.

There are parts of the world, however, that are warm and spring like - where people wear shorts and don't have to put on a coat, gloves, and a scarf just to take out the trash.

About a decade ago, I added a new holiday to my year. In the middle of every February, I pack my shorts and head to the sunny city of San Diego. In February, southern California basks in the comfortable 60s and 70s. I spend most of my time walking up and down the beautiful beaches or watching huge Navy ships moving in and out of the bay. I have all the tourist areas practically to myself because Californians, having a different perspective on winter, are too cold to venture out when it’s only 65 degrees.

I should mention that I did go to south Florida once and it was ok, but Florida weirds me out. It's so flat. I don't understand why the ocean doesn't just wash over the whole state. I had trouble sleeping for the anxiety of it. And culturally, Florida is basically New Jersey south. I was never comfortable with the aggressive rudeness of the east. In California, people are friendly and courteous, just like at home.

But unlike home, San Diego has a beautiful coast punctuated by sandy beaches and dramatic cliffs. Flowers bloom all year around. The grass is green. You can go to concerts in the park - in February!

I love San Diego. A week from now I'll be heading out there for the eleventh year in a row.

Up yours winter!

When I come back from “the coast,” spring will only be a few weeks away and I will have worn my shorts.