This is Not a Headache

Four days in a row. It started Friday. Saturday I drove some family members into the mountains. I ended up making them drive my car while I closed my eyes in the back seat. I rarely sit in the back seat of my own car.

Constant, but not predictable. It strikes without warning. It's a migraine.

This is not a headache. It's something else entirely. Perhaps if I try to describe it in writing, I'll feel like I have more of a handle on it.

Sometimes it starts with a throbbing at the top of my skull. Sometimes it begins as as nausea and hunger at the same time. I usually ignore it at this point. You think I'd learn.

It spreads to the base of my skull and grows into a blinding pain behind my eyes. Literally blinding. I get to a point where I can't see. Put your hand in front of your eyes and try to see through the fingers and you'll get an idea.

Then there's the lightning. Painful flashes of light which come out of nowhere and really don't exist. Accompanied by pain. Agony. Add florescent lights in the office or noisy shrieking children outside and I'd rather have someone shoot a staple gun into my temples.

I always think of Mary Todd Lincoln. She'd take to her bed and require total silence and darkness for days at a time. Poor Abe didn't know what to do with her. Everyone thought she was just being difficult and dramatic. Well, I guess she was, but she deserved more sympathy than she got.

I'm not sure what exactly triggers these events. I've had them most of my life. Most of my family members get them. I understand there is a hereditary characteristic to all this. Perhaps it tends to happen with extremely sensitive and creative people (ahem).

Generally Tylenol and Diet Coke are good treatments. Most of the migraine stuff you by at the drug store are just a mixture of analgesic and caffiene. If I can get to sleep, I usually wake up feeling ok. But the ghost of the pain is still there, kind of like sore muscles after heavy lifting. I'm always afraid it will come back. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.

My favorite treatment is to put ice packs all around my head. I think the cold constricts the bloodflow and slows the pounding.

Unfortunately, when it strikes at the office, I'm not equipped to wrap my head in ice and I certainly wouldn't be up to the inquiries it would draw. So I try to act normal. People think I'm grouchy. Well, sometimes I am, but that's another subject.

But really, no need to worry. As far as I know, people don't die from migraines. I'm just being difficult and dramatic.

I'm Very Disappointed in President Carter

According to secret service agents interviewed by Ronald Kessler in his book, In the President's Secret Service, Jimmy Carter never had a friendly word for the men and women guarding his life. That famous smile disappeared as soon as the cameras were off. There’s more, but I feel personally betrayed and it’s too painful to go into.

Jimmy Carter has been my favorite ex-president. Unlike those who golf, sky-dive, and hang out at the ranch, Carter has spent his retirement traveling the world advocating peace. He stands up for Palestinians when no one else will. He monitors elections to make sure they are free and fair. A couple weeks ago, he risked his popularity and good graces with the Obama administration by pointing out that we still live in an extremely racist society.

So how do I handle the shattering news that someone I admire treats people like crap?

We must remember that just because it's in a hardcover book doesn't mean it's completely true. This is just Kessler's interpretation based on interviews with current and former secret service agents who probably have biases. Carter was probably not all that popular with law-enforcement types to begin with.

If even partially true, some observations in this book would be difficult to dismiss as simply biased. Al Gore told his son in the presence of several insulted agents that if the boy didn't keep his grades up he'd "end up like one of these guys (the agents)."

It's not hard to imagine secret service agents describing Hillary Clinton as demanding and unreasonable. I know a guy in the military, usually pretty liberal, who can barely say her name, he hates her so much.

You know what they say: when a man is demanding he's a great leader; when a woman is, she's a bitch.

That Nancy Reagan was a bitch seems to be agreed upon by everyone, including secret service agents.

More from this book:

• Bill Clinton was always late - he couldn't follow a schedule to save his life.
• Presidents Kennedy and Johnson kept stables of women on hand. When Jackie or Lady Bird appeared to be returning home, the secret service had to help usher the floosies out of there.
• Nixon was crazy.

Except for tricky Dick, Republicans generally get good marks from the secret service.

• Ronnie Reagan was always friendly.
• George H.W. Bush ordered everyone at the White House to defer to the secret service because he figured they knew how to do their jobs. His wife, Barbara, offered to do laundry for agents at Kennebunkport - she was doing a load anyway.
• George W. was reportedly smarter in person than he appeared on television (I don’t believe it). Laura Bush was just as pleasant and gracious as could be (that I believe).

Not Republican, but liked by the secret service, Barack and Michelle Obama are reportedly considerate and respectful of the men and women who take care of them. The worst that can be said of the current commander-in-chief is that he smokes more than he admits.

Oh yeah, the book also talks about guns, logistics, homeland security budgets, and other stuff. But the gossip is way more interesting.

Now I'm on to Kathy Griffin's new book. I’m less likely to be disturbed when I learn something disgusting about Paris Hilton.

Fast Food and Sacred Rituals - a Follow-up to Ashes

After reading my last entry, Ashes - Excerpt from Fierce Love, a few friends asked whether Rickie's ashes were indeed scattered by the rock above the alpine lake.

Within days of the funeral, Mom's remains were returned in a black cardboard box. Her explicit instructions were that we not waste money on a beautiful urn which would sit on the mantel. Just put her in a plastic bag, she said.

So we ended up with a cardboard box.

It didn't sit on the mantel. My dad didn't want to see it so he told my sister to just put it somewhere. She chose a spot in a glass cabinet among some of my mother’s cherished knick knacks. Two years later, Dad phoned my sister and asked where it was. He was ready.

Unfortunately, Dad's health had declined to a point where he could no longer hike to the predetermined spot at the alpine lake. He told us to go ahead and do it without him. After some discussion, we decided that Mom wouldn't mind if we didn't carry out her wishes exactly. More meaningful to Dad, and much more accessible for this and future visits, was a larger lake at a lower altitude surrounded by a flat path. Mom had often hiked there. It reminded him of her, so it became our choice for the scattering.

Referring to towering Rocky Mountain peaks, my dad remarked that there couldn't be a more spectacular tombstone.

At the shore, a friendly female duck looking on, it became evident that he couldn't hold his cane, balance the box, and maneuver the ashes. We needed something smaller with which to move the contents from the box to the ground. Mom would have been prepared for this, probably producing an old measuring cup from her fanny pack.

Thinking quickly, I ran back to my car, going out of my way not to trip over the duck who was inching closer, perhaps thinking that our box contained breadcrumbs or something. I retrieved an Arby's cup from which I had just slogged down a diet coke. We could pour ash into the cup and Dad could spill it around as he pleased. As we poured the first batch into the fast food cup, he said sadly, "She hated Arbys."

I often wonder what happens after death. I believe in eternal life, but I don't know what it looks like or whether our deceased loved ones can see us. But I'm sure of one thing: the moment we used a paper cup from Arbys to carry out this solemn ritual, no one was laughing harder than my mother.

With that duck following us the whole time, we circled the lake, stopping every few yards so one of us could pour some ash into the cup which Dad would then pour on the shore, by a boulder, or at the base of a tree.

Next weekend, we'll drive Dad up to the lake and walk around it. I think he's comforted knowing that someday his ashes will join hers in that majestic setting.

We may want to stop at Wendy's on the way.

Ashes - Excerpt from Fierce Love

On September 21, 2005, my mother died after a long and debilitating illness. The following is an excerpt from the short story I wrote in her memory.

(The morning of her death, I went into) my mother's office. I turned on the light and saw it pretty much as she had left it, save for a few photo albums her granddaughter Hannah had leafed through. In the front of the file cabinet, exactly as Mom had described, was a folder labeled, "To be used at my memorial service, as you think appropriate." It was a hand-written essay, about two pages long, dated September 1981, about a hike my parents had taken in the Colorado mountains to see the changing of the aspen leaves. As they moved through a forest, they discussed how the old trees fell away and decayed, providing room and nourishment for the young. It was clear that Mom had viewed death as a natural and necessary part of life.

In later years, I often accompanied my parents to the mountains for the annual viewing of the colors. At a particularly scenic alpine lake right below timberline (during a year when my own health was uncertain), I casually expressed my desire to be cremated and scattered at that spot and needed them to know, just in case. Mom burst into tears, responding more dramatically than I had wished, and promised that they would do as I asked. Further, she cried that she wanted her ashes in the same spot so that I wouldn't be alone on top of those chilly Rocky Mountains. I cringed, first wishing she'd stop, and then wondering why I couldn't have my own special spot. She didn't stop. She poked my dad's arm and said, "Bob, don't you want to be scattered here too? Don't you?" He replied that because we would all be dead, it didn't much matter, but ok, fine, he'd consent to anything in order to bring this conversation to a close.

A year before Mom, one of my cats died. In my grief, I decided to take my little companion's ashes to that same alpine lake. I wanted to symbolize that we would be together after death. I asked Mom and Dad if they wanted to come. (My sister) Carol came along too. Although we took the kitty's death seriously, we also silently knew it was a rehearsal for the future. I hiked to a rock above the lake, off the beaten trail where so many others walked. Carol and Dad followed, leaving Mom by the car because the climb would probably be too much. As I opened the canister to release the ashes, Mom cobbled up from behind, navigating the steep incline and rough rooted trail with her cane. Before I could scatter the ashes, she asked to see them. She had never seen cremains before and was curious. We all looked, noting the coarse dust and white fragments of bone which made it different from the fine fireplace ashes we were used to. I then raised the container and let the contents go, most landing with the rain that began to fall, mixing it with the ground, while some blew away in the breeze. I read a poem and we went back to the car, but not before Mom pulled a camera out of her jacket and took several pictures of the rock, the lake, and the view.

And the Wind Blows the Name: Chicago

Since recently asked if I would ever consider relocating to Chicago, I've racked my brain for data about "The Windy City." I'm too lazy to actually do research, but here are some facts I know from PBS documentaries, having been there a few times, and popular trivia I've either absorbed or made up:

• Even though it's the third largest American City, Chicago is known as the Second City. I know this because of Second City Comedy I've seen on TV.
• Chicago is the setting of the TBS sit-com, My Boys - also that of the original Bob Newhart Show.
• I think there's a baseball team there.
• While it is windy in Chicago, it is known as the Windy City not because of wind, but its penchant for long-winded politicians.
• It's cold. So cold.
• Chicago rated in a recent study as the most stressful city in the U.S. largely because of traffic, unemployment, and air quality - I might add weather - so cold.
• Oprah lives there.
• Of all the states, Illinois demographics compare most closely to the U.S. as a whole in terms of the balance between urban and rural, Democrat and Republican, etc. Ok, that's not about Chicago, but it's still interesting, I think.
• Something about a Loop.
• Chicago burned down back in the 1870s when everything was made of wood, leading to a revival featuring a tradition of creative and distinctive architecture which endures today.
• Elevated trains - like subways, but above the ground, I guess.
• When I lived in Omaha, I always had to fly through Chicago and spent many snowed in nights near O'Hare Airport.
• Not just cold. Frickin' cold.
• The Sears Tower is now something else but I can't remember what.
• Lake Michigan.
• The Michigan Mile - retail Heaven if you are into that sort of thing. Years ago I went into a computer store on Michigan Avenue and saw a movie being played on a laptop computer. "What will they think of next?" I said as I put on headphones and entered a private world which I could take with me anywhere, if I were a millionaire and could afford such luxury. Next thing you'll know, they'll come up with a way to put all of your records on one little device which you can carry around. Yeah, right.
• Wacker Drive is a street the name of which always makes me laugh. Perhaps it's the images of old Chicago mobsters whacking people, or maybe it's something else.
• Hub for Amtrak and United Airlines.
• The smaller, "outlying" airport, Midway, is really just as much of a nightmare as O'Hare.
• Chicago style pizza style is deep dish, thick, and crusty - mmmm - not thin and flimsy, like the unsatisfying pizza of another city to the east.
• It is cold there. Frickin' cold.

The Daily Show IS Real News

This month marks a special anniversary. One year ago Labor Day, I discovered the Daily Show. While everyone else has been watching it for years, I had always sniffed into my New York Times that Comedy Central was a poor substitute for substantial journalism. I tut-tutted at the frightening statistic that people in their 20s get most of their news from Jon Stewart's satirical talk show. It's a sad commentary on our shallow society, I thought as I watched two extremists yell at each other on CNN, when more young people follow an election as presented by a comedian than even know who Brian Williams is.

The world is much too serious, I thought as I listened to another recipe on National Public Radio, to get your news from Comedy Central.

So last year, Labor Day Weekend at my sister's house, I was channel surfing on the satellite system. I've always been fascinated by satellite TV in rural Wyoming because you can get local news from the east coast and the west coast, but nothing from even the home time zone. If you need a local weather report, you are out of luck. Of course at my sister's you can just look out at the mountains to see what's coming, but I digress ...

So I was checking to see what was going on in either Burbank or Brooklyn when I came upon Comedy Central and a rerun of the Daily Show. I was hooked. Here's what I've discovered since:

• This program is very funny.
  
• It has an unabashedly liberal bias (which I consider a good thing).
  
• The guests are legitimate politicians, authors, journalists, and other newsmakers.
  
• The books being promoted are often so interesting that I want to read them.
  
• Many of the stories are not only reported, but analyzed, fact checked, and refuted – more effectively than much "legitimate" TV news.
  
• The Daily Show is quoted regularly in other outlets.
  
• Jon Stewart is not only funny, but a sharp and incisive interviewer who should never be underestimated by guests. Take a look at this recent clip from YouTube: Jon Stewart Destroys Bill Kristol on Health Care
  

Labor Day 2009: I have just one complaint. Every time there's a national holiday, the show goes into reruns. I guess Jon and crew need a break. This time, they are taking three weeks off. How am I supposed to know what's going on that whole time? Oh sure – I can look at Brian Williams or, God forbid, a newspaper or CNN. No point in watching local news – it's pretty much nothing but weather. With Saturday Night Live also on summer hiatus, I've gone into serious comedy (slash) news withdrawal.

For the record, I also watch the Daily Show's spinoff, The Colbert Report. It's entertaining too, but a little on the silly side. For serious news, it's not quite up to my standards.

Dear Dan Savage: Health Care Takes Priority

See Dan Savage on CNN (YouTube).

Dear Dan Savage:

You are one of our most articulate spokespeople. I love to watch you stand up to wild-eyed right-wingers and your writing is some of the best out there. But I'd like to respond to what you are saying these days about President Obama.

I want to remind you how much our country has changed from a year ago. This African American president is young and smart. Intelligent utterances now come from the Oval Office. We can hold our heads a little higher in the global community.

Mr. Obama is unflappable. He reasons with opponents, advocating for mutual respect and civility. When so many, from town meetings to talk shows, believe that "whoever yells the loudest wins," I have yet to see this president lose his cool.

His challenges are undeniable. He inherited two untenable wars, a terrible economic crisis, and a seriously divided and increasingly polarized political landscape. While giving his all to handle these, he also manages to pursue issues unique to his tenure.

While campaigning, he spoke out more than any presidential candidate in history about the need for LGBTQI* equality. While falling short of endorsing gay marriage, he let it be known that DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) was bad policy. He promised to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell, which effectively bans gays and lesbians from the military. As significant as anything, his speeches included consistent inclusion of the word "gay." To a minority group largely conditioned to hide in silence, hearing a prominent politician openly acknowledge our existence was exciting. It sent shivers up my spine.

But some of the citizens are getting restless. Gay activists like you are increasingly impatient with Obama. Seven months into office, the president seems to have edited us out of his speeches. DOMA and Don't Ask Don't Tell are, at best, on the back burner. You and others call on us to hold his feet to the fire and keep his promises.

I agree that Obama and all the Democrats in congress should be held accountable. They need to be reminded of the money we raised and the large number of votes we optimistically cast to get them elected. They cannot be allowed to take our support for granted while continuously pushing us to the side so "more important" issues can be dealt with first. It happened in the Clinton administration and it could be happening again. They need to hear you calling for the progress we were promised or they risk losing us.

At the same time, I must distance myself from your rhetoric. While LGBTQI issues are important to me and I'll be happy to defend our rights to anyone, anytime, I am not just a gay man with a single interest in what our country does.

As a voter living with multiple chronic medical conditions, I believe that health care reform takes priority, for the moment, over gay rights. Poverty and bankruptcy are only one hospital stay away for a huge number of Americans. For now, I want Mr. Obama to focus on that.

Dan, I'm sorry, but climate change resulting in melting ice caps and world-wide coastal flooding are also more urgent than gay rights. The potential social and environmental instability resulting from global warming render all other issues moot. I'd like the president to spend his capital on clean energy, alternative fuels, and high speed rail which are not only good for the environment, but for the economy as well.

Dan, I'm always happy to see you on TV or read you in the Advocate. Keep it up. But you don't speak for me. I am a loyal supporter of President Obama. If he can get health care reform accomplished now, I'll wait off to the side a while longer.


*Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Queer Intersex (this acronym is a topic for another time)