Apologies to Susan Stamberg - My Cranberry Sauce is Simpler

I wonder if Susan Stamberg's colleagues at National Public Radio ever get tired of hearing about her mother-in-law's cranberry relish every Thanksgiving. I guess it's a charming annual tradition: "Here comes dear old Aunt Susan again, insisting that everyone try her cranberry relish ..." It's probably pretty good, but even if it's not, you say it is because you don't want to hurt her feelings.

I have my own traditional way of serving cranberries at Thanksgiving.

Cranberry sauce. Chilled, right out of the can. No fuss, no muss. No pickled anything. If you want to put some effort into it, you can cut the perfect can shaped masterpiece into ready-to-serve slices.

People like it. I've never had any complaints.

Martha Stewart would not enjoy Thanksgiving at our house. If the table is set ahead of time, chances are a cat will lounge among the plates and flatware before the guests arrive. The hosts are generally dressed casually, in shorts if the weather is nice. The paper napkins are not folded into the shape of anything. The tablecloth is usually a little wrinkled, unless Clyde is inspired to iron it, which I don't encourage. The plates don't all match. The food is served in kind of a free-for-all, a combination of pass around and buffet, depending on the crowd, the food, and the space. Sometimes, guests have to get up to refill their own beverages. In terms of formal manners, it's pretty ugly. The pies, which come from Village Inn (they are not made at home), are topped with Cool Whip instead of whipped cream. Dessert is a strictly serve yourself affair.

We do have some standards. Football is not allowed on the television in the main room. Guests are encouraged to go to another room if they must watch.

It sounds like Thanksgiving at our house is kind of a bummer. It's not. Most of the guests enjoy coming back year after year. It's laid back. The conversation is good. We laugh a lot. Usually, we agree politically, which will come in especially handy this year. No one expects a formal black tie affair.

Years ago, I tried hard to impress when I hosted Thanksgiving. In particular, I tried to make fancy stuffing. One year I made special apple stuffing which didn't go over very well. Another time, I got a fairly ok cornbread stuffing recipe off the Internet. One year I made one with wine that smelled up the house for days. Then, for a few years, my sister-in-law tried. She got stuffing recipes out of Bon Appetite magazine. One made with rosemary was pretty good.

Until one year after dinner, someone yawned, "You know, I like Stove Top just as well as any stuffing I've ever had." Around the room, sleepily digesting, everyone agreed.

Years of research and anxiety over recipes went out the window. Why had I bothered?

The next Thanksgiving, in addition to my special way of preparing the cranberry portion of the meal, I began a whole new tradition of making stuffing for the family: several boxes of Stove Top. Just add water and a little butter, right at the last minute. They gobble it up.

Thanksgiving is not about fancy recipes. It's not about impressing guests or good china or which fork you're supposed to use. It's about having a good time and enjoying food with people you love. Even if it comes from a box or a can.

Watch Out! Here Come the Holidays!

They're here. Again.

Would it be possible to celebrate the holidays every other year? I've only just recovered from last year and it's time to again get on that merry-go-round of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. Halloween has passed for this year. We got exactly 0 (zero) trick-or-treaters.

Halloween doesn't do a lot for me. Ever since I was sick a few years back, I don't see the humor in fake cemeteries, depictions of dead (or undead) bodies, or blood everywhere. Plus those fake spider webs are just annoying.

I don't celebrate all holidays. Kwanzaa and Hanukkah are not on my list. I might give a passing nod to the winter solstice, but I don't go out of my way to celebrate. I happen to have a birthday in December, which I mark as a national holiday by taking the day off.

Thanksgiving is the one I hate the least. We host dinner for family and a few friends. It's a lot of work, but it's just food. No presents and very little pretense of religious tradition or ritual. We don't have to decorate the house, just set the table and make sure there is enough silverware. Without presents and caroling, there is plenty of time to just hang out and visit with loved ones. At our house, if you want to watch a football game, you can go into a special room designated for that activity.

Christmas, of course, is the most hyped. Pressure to participate pushes in from every side. You have to attend a friend's music concert or a child's pageant. You must decide whether to visit family or offend them by staying home. And the  the hassle of shopping is enough to make one crazy (or in my case, crazier). And there is, hands down, nothing worse than the forced gaiety of holiday office activities. Don't even get me started on secret Santas - as if we needed yet another person to worry about making happy.

New Years sucks. By December 31, you are fat and hung over from the other holidays, and ready for regular life to return. Instead, you have to go to "the biggest party of the year" and stay up later than you normally would. After that, there's nothing to look forward to but the long, dark winter ahead.  No days off until Memorial Day.

I've been called a Grinch before, so don't bother. Look, it's not like I hate every minute of the holidays. There are moments I really enjoy. It is good to get together with family you don't see very often. The seasonal food can be really wonderful. And there is nothing nicer than the colorful lights that pierce the night during the darkest time of the year.

Suggestions for coping:

• Lower your expectations. If you don't expect a perfect Christmas, you won't be disappointed when you don't have one.
• Enjoy what you can and ignore the rest. You don't really have to go to every concert and party. But it's ok to appreciate the lights that go up in your neighborhood. You don't have to make Grandma's traditional fruitcake that takes 16 hours. Go to your local upscale supermarket and buy one.
• Years ago, I  stopped buying individual gifts for my family members. Instead, I made one big donation in everyone's name to a favorite non-profit organization. The family appreciates it as much as they would a wrapped gift, and they don't have to drag home a bunch of stuff they don't need.

Is it OK to Listen to Christmas Music Before December?

Every year, starting in late August, shoppers complain that while browsing patio furniture clearance sales at the local department store, Christmas music can be heard. We shake our heads and agree that this seems to happen earlier every year. We are shocked - shocked! - at the crass commercialization of the holiday.

Everyone knows that the yuletide season shouldn't start until Thanksgiving midnight when the stores open.

Some, Christians mostly, insist that they won't acknowledge Christmas one moment before the first Sunday in Advent, the church’s official four weeks leading up to the celebration of Christ's birth.

In theory I've agreed, and yet, as I fight to hold off ho-ho-hoing until the church says it's ok, I've started to reconsider my position on the subject. Must we limit holiday happiness to a set of rigid dates?

December 25, after all, is not really Jesus' birthday, but a date selected by the early church to coincide with the return of the sun after the winter solstice (and to usurp more ancient heathen celebrations occurring at the same time).

So why do we have to wait until some date on the calendar before we start whistling Jingle Bells? What about that old Dickensian adage that we should keep Christmas in our hearts all year around? What Dickens meant, in part, was that it's ok to enjoy Christmas TV reruns when they are shown in July.

Most of December is just one rush rush rush after another - from obligatory work parties to attending your friends' kids' concerts. It's exhausting. But amidst all the craziness, music can provide a nice break. Sometimes a particular tune takes us back to another time, a happy holiday in the past. Oh sure, there is seasonal music we don't care for. I know a woman who practically goes homicidal when "Santa Baby" comes on. I personally chafe at heavy-metal versions of Little Drummer Boy. But overall, I'm always happy to start hearing the familiar tunes in the stores.

This year, I set up my Pandora holiday channels in early November. I may even get some decorations out before Thanksgiving. Mind you, at noon on January 1, I'll shut off the music and take down the lights. I know that according to the church, Christmas lasts until January 6, but come on, a person can only stand so much.

Traditions Bring Meaning to the Holidays

Ah Thanksgiving! When people of every faith (or none at all) gather with family and friends to reflect on the good things in their lives.

Many cultural traditions play out this week. It’s the one occasion when most of us eat turkey. It’s the busiest time of year at airports. It’s when we untangle the colored lights, plug them in, and check whether enough bulbs are burned out to justify buying a whole new string.

There are traditions unique to each family. Some like the cornbread Stove Top stuffing mix while others prefer the herb flavored. Others mix the turkey dinner with traditional ethnic food. Some, for example, garnish sweet potatoes with layers of brown sugar and thousands of mini-marshmallows.

And what would Thanksgiving be without the crystal dish holding the traditional jellied cranberry sauce in the shape of a tin can?

It’s these folksy customs which add color and distinctiveness to a celebration. We have a little gem in my family which is repeated every Thanksgiving.

At some point during the preparation of the traditional meal, the cook, usually the host, turns to the guests who have congregated around the food preparation area, and from the heart, with all the feeling a major holiday can inspire, says:

"Ok. That’s it. Get the HELL out of my kitchen."

The first year of this request to vacate was at my sister's house. Her mother-in-law, several guests, and her sister, brothers, and nieces were milling around half prepared dishes of food, adding chaos to an already chaotic situation. The noise level had risen to the point where the two inhabitants of the adjacent living room were unable to hear each other. Without warning, my sister cried the famous words which have so oft been repeated.

Experience had taught those of us related to her by blood to do what she said. Her brothers, sister, and nieces left the kitchen immediately. Unaware of the risk to their health and well being, the less-experienced in-laws and friends laughed and remained huddled around the counters. I was too afraid to peek in and see what happened next.

Kitchens are instinctive gathering places. It probably dates to those chilly Thanksgivings celebrated by early homosapiens who lived in caves. To escape the relentless cold, all the cavepeople and their families and friends gathered around the fire for warmth -the same fire over which the cavehosts cooked the traditional mammoth meat.

In the 21st century, the living room is also warm, but as the guests arrive, they intuitively migrate to the kitchen, chatting happily as the cook/host struggles to create counter space.

Meanwhile, the living room, where chairs are carefully placed to facilitate traffic flow and maximize social interaction, is empty - except for the cats who have discovered that the appetizers on the coffee table have been left unattended.

Does Martha Stewart ever have to deal with this stuff?

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy my guests and I'm happy people like spending this special day in my home. I like talking and catching up as much as anyone.

But it's stressful to coordinate a large dinner which you only prepare once a year, juggling an unnaturally large bird which was frozen just the day before in a floppy disposable foil roasting pan, monitoring several side dishes which need various amounts of heating, checking on rolls which can easily burn, and timing it perfectly so that its ready to eat all at the same time.

About the point where the turkey is done, the corn needs 30 more minutes, and it's time to start the gravy - a delicate and precision operation which could affect the outcome of the whole dinner - I wave my baster in the air and bellow the traditional holiday plea.

Stunned, most people back away, out to what's left of the appetizers.

Fortunately, my momentary lapse in hospitality is forgotten as soon as the steaming gravy flows over the mashed potatoes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving Chronicles

It seems strange that to cope with all the Thanksgiving work and stress, I kept taking Facebook breaks. How did I get through last year without the web’s most popular social networking site? Reviewing the posts reveals the drama of the holiday. Here’s a sampling from Facebook.
First, the cast of characters:

• Bill – you all know me.
• Neda – friend and former coworker
• Linda – high school classmate in Nebraska, reconnected via Facebook
  Forrest – friend and former colleague in Georgia
• Wendy – lives ten minutes away and never forgets anything I say
• Katherine – next door neighbor who I could talk to through the wall, but FB is often the medium of choice
• Thomas – world citizen, friend who delights in brutal honesty
• Debra - high school classmate in Nevada, reconnected via Facebook
• Susan – sister in Wyoming
• Kim – irreverent Reverend
• Jeff – national reporter based in Denver, visiting New Hampshire
• Kris – nonprofit director in Oregon

Thursday, T-1 Week
Bill: Stuff I’m Thankful For – A BillsWeek List
Friday, T-6 Days
Bill: Kathy Griffin tonight. Feels like the beginning of the holidays!
Sunday, T-4 Days
Bill: … bought most of the Thanksgiving dinner stuff today. Charles is already playing in the foil roasting pan I bought for the turkey. Long day, but at least the shopping is mostly done. Now up to 14 guests at my place. Cooking and cleaning the next few days ...
Neda: Wow … Did you party grow?
Bill: (Certain family members) keep inviting additional people … it’s really ok, but a little overwhelming at the moment. It will be fun when the big day comes …
Tuesday, T-36 Hours
Linda: Share some kitty stories. Life would be so dull without kitties.
Bill: I would be so lost without them. Right now, Lily is annoyed that I’m typing and she keeps bumping my hand. My younger kitten Charles is so active, I’m going to have to assign someone to manage him while the house is full of people Thursday.
Bill: Cleaning is more or less done. Dining room table is extended. Tomorrow, cooking and counting chairs, plates, etc.
Forrest: Will the cats hide with all the company?
Wendy: Charles is going to hide in the turkey --- according to Bill!
Bill: That’s my fear – Lily will hide at first, but she’ll eventually come out and grace us with her presence. Only a few will be deemed worthy to pet her a little. Charles will be the life of the party, jumping from lap to lap, because he knows all humans love cats, and him in particular. He will be on the counter trying to get food, on the table trying to get food, and yes, I’m afraid I’ll turn around and find him with his head in the turkey. Usually he’s locked down in the bathroom when I can’t handle him, but with so much company, I don’t think that will work…
Forrest: Sounds like organized chaos is about to happen…
Wednesday, T-30
Bill: I got out my pretty red table runner with the tassels to hang it up and de-wrinkle. Guess who discovered the tassels not 15 seconds later. Yep, my little kitty boy. Now I have to figure out where to hang it where he can’t get to it.
Katherine: No, you have to find a place where Charles won’t create problems! Try putting it back out, and when he goes after it, point the water bottle. He will get the message …
Thomas: Good luck with that.
Bill: Ok-he found it. Tassels are history. It will be a pretty red runner without tassels. (Later) Needless to say, there will be no Christmas tree this year.
Thomas: Come on, be daring.
Wendy: Since there will not be tassels for the table, perhaps you could wear the tassels …
Thomas: Post pictures of that!
Debra: Cats and tassels – temptation is just too great … Try hanging it over the top of a door and hope he does not decide to high jump. (Editor’s note: I did exactly that and the jumping was fantastic, tassels wrestled to the floor and leapt upon with wild abandon.)
Susan: Who needs tassels? Have a wonderful day …
Wednesday, T-16
Bill: Turkey isn’t thawing. Is now in the shower where Sir Charles can’t get to it. SURELY it will be thawed by morning.
Kim: At least it will be clean!
Linda: Don’t let it spoil. My 18 lb. bird did … We threw it out. We followed the unthawing instructions so it must have been tainted from the beginning. We went turkey shopping late today… Bill, the cat will find it. Good luck!
Kris: hello, roasted Brassica oleracea and Cucurbita moschatta pie! (Editor: Huh? What ever happened to mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie?)
Thursday, T-8.5
Bill: I was conscious of the spoilage factor. It was cold the whole time and I put it back in the fridge after a couple hours. … All is well.
Bill: Up at 4:30. Finished thawing turkey under cool water in the sink and stuffed and seasoned it. Both Charles and Lily quite agitated. Poor kitties’ first bedroom lockdown of the day. Thanksgiving is difficult for poor starving kittens.
Linda: Did the cat get the turkey? Ours wants in the roaster as it was sitting out waiting to be cleaned.
Bill: No, Charles didn’t get the turkey, not for lack of trying. It’s safely in the oven now and he’ll be locked in the bedroom during carving and serving.
T-4 and Counting
Bill: Taking a coffee break now that as much food is prepared as can be until the last minute. So far, Charles has been in lockdown three times. Lily once. Made it to the health club to work off some of the stress of the day. I feel ready now. Except I’d better set the table.
Thursday Night, T+9
Debra: How did everything go? The turkey-cats saga must go on!
Bill: The dishes are clean. The leftovers are put away and sent home with the guests. Tablecloths laundered. There are two cats sacked out on the sofa and I can’t get them to move. We’re all three just pooped. It was a wonderful day. Of course, Charles spent much of it locked in the bedroom, but he got to socialize too. I hope all of you had a good T-day too!
Jeff: Thanksgiving is over. Merry Christmas.
Bill: Ugh
The Morning After
Bill: “Please dear. Auntie Mame is hung.” Charles and Lily are wide awake now and wanting breakfast. All I can muster from my bed is this quote from Rosalind Russell in the 1958 movie, Auntie Mame. For the record, I didn’t touch a drop of alcohol. I just feel hung over.
Katherine: Poor Bill. It must have been too much turkey or pie or something. Drink lots of water, watch Netflix, nap, and call me in the morning.
Kim: LOL! I hope you had a wonderful time in spite of the stress of it all.
And you know, I did. Let’s just try to recover for a while and not think about Christmas. How can millions of people go shopping so soon after all this?

Stuff I’m Thankful For – A BillsWeek List

A couple weeks ago I published a rather negative blog entry called Stuff That Bugs Me. In order to ease the sting of that downbeat list, I made a promise that I would do a nice list soon. Well, it’s soon, and it’s less than a week to Thanksgiving, so here’s some stuff I’m thankful for. I hope it conveys a more positive vibe. Ok, here goes:

• Sunny winter days
• Hottubs
• Warm fuzzy cats
• Family and friends
• Those orange creamcicles from King Soopers
• Marie Calendars
• Pizza delivery
• Donuts
• 24 hour supermarkets
• Dinners at El Jardin
• Health care
• Liberals with a sense of humor
• Kathy Griffin's "relationship" with Levi Johnston
• Engineers who like cats on YouTube - yes, "they should be but they aren't"
• Living in the city with all its conveniences (like walking to the store)
• First class performances at The Buell
• Diversity in restaurants - from greasy diners to pho
• 24 hour emergency rooms for animals (I've been there a couple of times)
• Independent movie theaters
• Denver Public Library
• The easy empty canister on my vacuum cleaner
• Scrubbing bubbles
• Clumping kitty litter
• Recessed lighting with dimmer switch
• Off buttons on phones
• State parks early in the morning
• Microwave ovens
• Timely traffic updates
• Michelle Obama
• Ocean Beach, San Diego
• Workout machines with televisions attached
• Late night BBC radio
• Digital Video Recording
• Enduring legacy of the Civilian Conservation Corps
• Lake Irene
• Dairy Queen
• Public transportation
• Quiet neighbors
• Jon Stewart
• A roomy freezer
• Leave-in conditioner
• Stove-Top Stuffing
• Time off around the holidays
• Readers of my blog

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!