I Wanted the Dowager Countess But All I Got Was Lady Mary

What's with all the personalized quizzes on Facebook? Along with cat videos and bitter political opining, announcements like the following proliferate: "I got Ginger, which castaway from Gilligan's Island are you?"

First, I'd like to say that these quizzes are a waste of time and serve no useful purpose. What kind of society values measuring yourself against shallow, fictional characters or pop culture icons? Wouldn't our leisure time be better spent studying the New York Times website or watching BBC News on TV?

Second, I'd like to say that I really enjoy taking those quizzes. It's interesting to compare myself with friends, although sometimes the outcomes are a bit puzzling. For example, I see myself as more of a Mary Ann.

If somehow you don't know what I"m talking about, just check out buzzfeed.com. They seem to be generating the most.

Here are some of the quizzes I've taken along with the results:

• What profession should you have? - I got writer. So far so good.
• Which President would you be? - Obama. Yeah!
• Which Star Trek character are you? - Captain Picard. Damn straight!
• Which Golden Girl are you? - Dorothy. There was general consensus on that one.
• Which period in history are you? - Elizabethan. Hmm. Ok. I did enjoy the Cate Blanchett movies.
• Which Downton Abbey character are you? - Naturally I was hoping for the Dowager Countess Violet, but I got Lady Mary instead. I guess that's ok. Just give Mary a few decades and she'll out dowage the Dowager.
• Which Big Bang Theory character are you? - The quiz said I was Penny. That was a real shock. Of course, she is from Nebraska. Perhaps that's it.
• Thank goodness for the "Friends" quiz. Of Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Ross, I got Chandler. I'm surprised I didn't get Phoebe based on the Penny experience. Could I BE any more sarcastic?
• What city are you? - I apparently most closely matched Phoenix. Phoenix? Really? Not someplace cool like Portland? I was really jealous of my friends who got Portland. It's bad enough that I can't be my chosen home city of Denver. But Phoenix? I guess it could be worse. It could be Tulsa or anywhere in Texas.
• Which state should you live in? - I got Louisiana. LOUISIANA? I can't even begin to explain that one. I did get very drunk in New Orleans some 30 years ago, but generally I'm not into bayous, large clumps of moss hanging from tree branches, or washing machines on the front porch. Wait, that's Alabama. At least that's what I remember about it from driving through.

I guess they aren't necessarily scientifically sophisticated tests. But they are fun. Here are some quizzes I'd like to take but haven't - yet:

• Which member of the royal family are you? - I'd want to be the Queen, of course, but I'd probably get Prince Charles.
• Which flavor of ice cream would you be? - I'd probably get vanilla. I've actually been accused of being vanilla in the past. I wouldn't dare to hope for, say, rocky road.
• Which Charlie's Angel are you? - Jill. Hands down, Jill.
• What Old Testament character would you be? Probably something slightly obscure and scandalous, like Jezebel or a resident of Sodom.

Yep, it's a huge waste of time, but as entertainment goes, what else would you be doing? It's a nice break from all those kitten videos.