Making the "A" List

 I've never been in the "A" group.

When I was a kid, I was strictly a B student. Socially, I was either a loner or a music/theatre nerd. Notice how I spell theatre? That's how theatre nerds spell it.

As an adult, I've rarely rubbed elbows with the "A" Gays, a status conscious caste of gay men - their expensive fashion, cars, homes, and "A" list parties hold little attraction for me. My idea of a good party is to eat pizza and listen to music from the '80s. Come to think of it, I have a lot of parties by myself.

Anyway, being an "A" lister was never something to which I aspired. Until a business trip a couple of weeks ago when I had to fly Southwest Airlines.

If you've flown Southwest, you know what I'm talking about. On a normal airline you can reserve a seat ahead of time, indicating your preference of window or aisle and choosing whether to sit at the front of the plane where it's less bumpy or in the rear where you're more likely to survive a crash. On Southwest, they don't assign seats. You have to compete with other passengers while being herded onto the plane like cattle.

In order to avoid a total stampede, Southwest thoughtfully divides the passengers into three groups. When you get your boarding pass, instead of a seat number, it tells you whether you're in group A, B, or C. The A group gets to board first. The B group boards after the A group, and the C group is just pathetically out of luck, destined to fill up the middle seats, sitting crammed between two other passengers with their elbows turned inward towards their ribs.

For the first flight, I did everything right, at least what I usually do for a normal, assigned seat, airline. I logged into the Southwest web site the night before and printed my boarding pass. Out came a piece of paper with a great big C on it. Good grief! All the A and B passes were already gone. What if I'd waited to check in until I got to the airport? Could I even get on the plane?

The next day at Denver International Airport, I had to watch while the A group lined up and slowly boarded, their huge carry-on bags promising to take up even more room. Then I watched as the B group, slightly more lackluster, did the same. Then the Cs were called. My group of sad sacks. C stands for clueless, I thought. Those not savvy enough to get their boarding passes adequately early.

I'm not a very competitive person. I hate sports and I don't strive to be the first to have the latest anything (technology, car, what have you). But you'd better believe that for the return flight, I logged in exactly 24 hours before takeoff, the soonest they allow you to do it, and got an A boarding pass. I was not going to be in the Clueless group again.

My next flight isn't until November but I've already made my reservation. As I booked the ticket on the United Airlines website, I went to the graphic of the 787 Dreamliner plane and clicked on the most convenient looking aisle seat. There will be plenty of stress on that long flight. Wondering where I'm going to sit will not be part of it.

Teachers: It's Back to School Time

Teachers on Facebook are whining about going back to work after having a few weeks off during the summer.

Someone I know who works in the public schools wonders what the rest of us, who didn't get the summer off, must think. Since I used to be a teacher and now work in the corporate world, I feel qualified to address her concern.

I understand the whining. Sure, I'd like to have summers off, and two or three weeks at Christmas - sorry, winter break, and many other major holidays now that you mention it. But as much as I enjoyed school teaching, I think I'll hold on to my office job.

Unlike most teachers, I spend most of my work day sitting down. I take my lunch when it's convenient, and if I return a few minutes late, all hell will not break loose.

Since I'm not a teacher, I can go to the bathroom when I need to go - I don't have to wait for a break between classes if I'm lucky enough to get away from students who need me.

When I have a doctor's appointment I can usually slip away for an hour without much problem.

I may not have summers off, but I do get some paid time off which I can take any time during the year. I actually enjoy vacations in the off season when the kids are all in school.

I work in a comfortable office in my own private cubicle. I can pick my nose without being seen. I can make a quick phone call to the cat's veterinarian. I even listen to the radio sometimes while I work.

My office is safe. There is no gang activity, and very little violence.

I don't have to deal with parents and politicians who think my job is easy.

My office has plenty of  paper and pens. I don't have to bring supplies from home because there's not enough in the budget for what I need..

And while we're at it, not all teachers get the summer off. Besides summer school, many teachers go back to further their education on their own time and on their own dollar.

So if you hear teachers whining about summer ending, give them a break. During the school year, sometimes they have to hold it all day.

Reality TV Not Real Enough

I don't watch "reality television." It's not realistic enough.

Catching just a glimpse of The Bachelor, I notice, for example, that the participants are impossibly good looking - they don't look like anyone real that I know. Not that my friends aren't good looking. But they are real.

I have enjoyed a couple of episodes of the Amazing Race, thanks to my friend John. Those contestants at least travel to real locations around the world, though they don't spend any time learning about where they are. They just eat the food or do whatever disgusting task they are assigned before moving on to the next location.

I do not understand, for the life of me, the appeal of following characters like the Kardashians or Honey Boo Boo. Who cares about these people? I'm more interested in watching my neighbors, who are real people, come and go. And some of them are quite good looking.

I want reality TV to reflect, you know, reality.

I have some great ideas for reality shows that reflect actual lives like mine.

How about one called Rush Hour? It's a game of suspense, where contestants have to choose the fastest route home from work at 5:00 p.m. Think about the skill it takes to deal with a traffic jam. Can you anticipate which lane will move the fastest? Do you take the next exit and risk taking side streets all the way home or stay the course in case things loosen up? A little side game could be called "Find the Radio Station that will Give a Traffic Report First," or just "Find a Radio Station" if your public broadcaster is having a pledge week. Throw in some extra drama, like what happens if the gas tank is almost empty. Or you really have to pee but it's at least 20 minutes til home. Or ethical dilemmas: what if your cell phone goes off while you're just sitting there? Is it ok to answer it if the car's not moving? At the end, the exhausted winner gets to have dinner with the family.

I should do a pitch to the networks. I have tons more.

• Computer Races - see how much work you can get done while software updates automatically install on your computer followed by a mandatory restart. If you win, you don't have to redo that project you forgot to save.
• Dishwasher Wars - how creative can you get in order to cram everything into the dishwasher no matter how full it gets. If you lose, you have to do the extra dishes by hand.
• Pill the Cat - now there's a reality show, full of drama and action, suspense, and tears (yours or the cat's). If you lose, you have a bloody finger and a resentful cat. We could film this one at my house, twice a day. 
• Is He or Isn't He? Is She or Isn't She? - Everyone has a neighbor, coworker, or relative who might be gay, but no one is sure. You can't tell just by looking anymore. These days, anyone can wear any kind of jewelry anywhere on their body, not to mention bright colored or plaid clothing. Tattoos and bodyscaping (shaving various areas of your body) are no longer indicators of orientation.  Some people won't define their sexuality one way or the other. There is no prize in this game, because chances are you'll never actually figure it out.
• Elevator Mind Games - Get into an elevator on the top floor and push the button for the bottom floor. Subtract points every time you have to stop to let people on or off. Lose double points if someone gets on and rides just one floor instead of taking the stairs.

It's not that I don't like looking at beautiful bodies on The Bachelor. It's just no match for true reality.