The Four Other Stages of Grief

I, like many of you, am grieving about the shocking and horrifying election of Donald Trump to the U.S. Presidency on a wave of populism fueled in large part by racism, sexism, and anti-immigration.

I believe it is necessary to grieve now in order to properly respond to the challenges of the next few years.

What is often not understood about the five stages of grief, first written about by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, is that they don't always occur one at a time or in linear fashion. Often, they overlap or occur intermittently. I've already covered denial in a previous BillsWeek entry. Now, I thought I'd hammer out some thoughts about the other stages. Sharing in this way helps me cope with my own grieving. Plus, I'm not sleeping and I have nothing better to do right now.

For the record, what I say here reflects either my own thinking or something I've overheard from others. These reflections don't necessarily reflect my exact point of view. Or maybe they do.

Bargaining

• The people who elected him aren't really racist (sexist, etc.). They were voting for Trump for some other reason.
• He was polite to President Obama when he visited the White House. Maybe he's not so bad after all. Let's give him a chance.
• He did hold up that rainbow flag that one time (even though it was upside down).
• Maybe his stupidity (and/or other shortcomings) will render his presidency ineffective. Perhaps if we give him enough rope, he'll hang himself. 
• Since he was so slippery and flip floppy on issues during the campaign, perhaps he isn't as conservative as we fear. Maybe he only acted that way to get elected.
• He was once a Democrat and a friend of the Clintons. Maybe he's a liberal in disguise. 
• Let's just be really nice to our racist neighbors and try to get along with everyone. 
• Ok, we don't have to be anti-gun. Let's just be "pro-gun safety."

Hmmm. I see why this one usually comes right after denial.

Anger

• If you voted for Trump, explain to your Black/ Muslim/ Immigrant/ LGBT neighbor/ coworker/ friend/ family member why they don't matter to you.
• Since our citizenship and civil rights are under fire, can you be surprised that we are questioning our patriotism?
• How can you come to my home, have friendly conversation with my boyfriend, attend my wedding, and still vote for Donald Trump? Don't you know what I have to lose? Don't you know what the stakes are? Don't you really care about me at all?
• Be alert for that "Kristallnacht" event to happen when the KKK and other thugs start destroying the property and lives of minorities, first without consequences, and then with the endorsement and support of the government. Think it can't happen? It was less than a century ago in a first world country called Germany...

 When you think about it, anger is really just fear turned inside out. It's what has motivated the other side to become so hateful. Fear is what fuels bigotry. It's why a great Presbyterian minister, Jane Spahr, once said, we must love them through their fear. Easier said than done.

Depression

• Can we just go to bed and wait until this is all over?
• Isolation: no talking to friends, no allowing for the comfort of company. Being alone seems less painful, somehow, even though it probably isn't.
• Music might help. Where are those old Peter, Paul, and Mary recordings?
• Depression is the scary one for some of us who have suffered from the chronic, clinical disease of the same name. We fear that if we give into this one, we'll be stuck in it and unable to get out. To us, depression looks like a long, dark, sucking tunnel that pulls you in when you haven't the strength to fight it. It gets all mixed up with the normal, circumstantial depression that happens to everyone when some terrible, external event happens.

Acceptance

• I don't accept this. Racism, sexism, and homophobia are not acceptable norms.
• I don't accept that the U.S.A. is over.
• We can only clearly see what's behind us. What is in front of us can only be estimated at best, and that is often informed by fear. Think of how frightened people were at other times in history when our national life felt threatened and the future was seriously in question: the Cuban missile crisis, Watergate, the assassinations of Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert Kennedy, and 9/11, just to name a few. Remember how frightened we were, and how shocked. At times we were despondent and hopeless. We always came through it. We always had a response, sometimes a questionable and debatable response, but we did respond. We never just rolled over and let it get to us. We're Americans, goddamnit!
• I do accept Elizabeth Warren's challenge to get involved; to volunteer, to connect with others, to add my voice to others' voices so that we are heard.
• I accept that every couple of years we get to elect new representatives. Look out bitches, mid-terms are only two years away.