You Can Pick Your Friends but Relatives Are a Crapshoot

I guess genealogy is very popular and easier than ever thanks to the internet (no, I don’t capitalize that word – it’s not a proper noun; I don’t know why people think it is, but never mind).

Anyway, I was recently contacted by what my family calls a “Shirt-Tail Relative.” This was a guy I never heard of who is a cousin to my second cousin’s wife. I do know my second cousin; he’s a great guy. But when he gave this STR my number, I was sorry I answered the phone.

STR wanted some information about my family for his genealogy project – info about my siblings, who lives where, and who begat whom. He didn’t know my mother had died, and he wanted to also talk to my father (who I subsequently called and warned).

Yes, he said, he is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormons, you know), which was predictable enough. Genealogy isn’t just a hobby with those folks. When they go to Heaven (proper noun), they try to take the whole family with them, even to the point of baptizing relatives who have already died.

Also predictably, he said he was a republican (I don’t think they are all that proper so I’m not capitalizing it).

So he was delighted to share with me some exciting news that he uncovered in his research.

Apparently, my mother’s side of the family is related to (gulp) Sarah Palin.

My ears were ringing with shock, but I think he said that I was a sixth cousin to the former governor of Alaska. To drive the point home, STR reminded me that Sarah’s unmarried name was Heath, the same as my grandmother’s. It seems some of the Heaths who didn’t settle in the sod houses of Nebraska kept going west, all the way to, I’m not kidding, Wasilla, Alaska.

I’m sure that Sarah wouldn’t be any happier about our connection than I am. I know sixth cousins are not all that close, but I just shudder to think that I share any genetic material with that stupid, dreadful woman.

Why can’t I be related to somebody awesome, like the Kennedys, or even someone from the same political party, such as Joe Biden?

I’m quite sure that if I invited Sarah to a family reunion, she wouldn’t want to come. I’m also sure that I wouldn’t care to grace Wasilla with my presence, not that I’d ever receive an invitation.

STR assumed I’d be thrilled with this news. I was not. I couldn’t get him off the phone fast enough. I had to call my sister and whine. My niece, who my sister was visiting at the time, thought the whole situation was hilarious.

All of which only goes to prove the old expression: “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your relatives.” Indeed.