TV Families Not Representative

I admit it. I watch a lot of TV. And I have to say, most of the families on the tube don't look like mine. An entire population is severely underrepresented, rendering some of the best shows difficult for me to relate to.

Unlike at my house where they pretty much rule, cats are notoriously absent from TV shows. For that matter, so are dogs. I'm not talking about those old Disney movies where the animal wins the national ribbon or dies at the end (I'm still upset about Old Yeller, 40 years later). I mean animals that are just regular members of the family, like those dogs and cats (and in a couple of cases, birds) who live with me and my friends.

According to the Humane Society of the United States, dogs live in 39 percent of all U.S. households. Cats live in 33 percent. Doesn’t that equal 72 percent? I was never good at math. But at least some number of families on TV should have at least either a dog or a cat.

Take that family on ABC's The Middle. A dog would add a lot of color to that chaotic household. Of course, the mom, played by Patricia Heaton, would be the only one who remembers to feed the dog, let him or her out, and so on.

I recently watched all five seasons of Brothers and Sisters - one extended family made up of five individual households. A number of times, I thought, “This is just like my family,” except there was not a bit of animal fur among them.

Currently on Netflix, I'm watching Kyle XY, a sci-fi drama that explores the meaning of family and belonging. It's a great show - sweet and touching as well as suspenseful, but it lacks any sort of animal presence. I often think the agonized protagonist and his angst-ridden teenaged siblings would benefit from the calming influence of a cat, but there isn't one.

I suppose cats are hard to train and, well, control on the set. Dogs are a little more trainable, and thus, visible.

The sitcom Whitney recently featured a dog adopted from a shelter. The poor fellow died in less than one episode.

One of the families on Modern Family has a cute little mutt. Gruff old grandpa/stepdad Jay, played by Ed O'Neil, takes an abandoned pooch to the shelter in one episode but can't go through with it. The dog has become a regular cast member.

There used to be more animals on TV but they were pretty unrealistic. Lassie was always getting Timmy out of some trouble or other by barking and barking until the humans finally understood. In reality, any dog that barked like that would be banished to the back yard or at least given the doggie version of Prozac.

Flipper, the dolphin, always knew everything in spite of being limited to the water. I don't know any dolphins personally, but I was always surprised that Flipper didn’t just get in the truck and drive.

At this point, I feel like I should comment on Tiger, the shaggy dog who lived with the Brady Bunch. But I really don’t have anything to say about him.

Animal companions are a little better represented in cartoons. The Simpsons have Santa's Little Helper and Snowball, a skinny dog and mangy black cat respectively. In spite of the animated nature of the show, this is the one that best represents pets as a regular, integrated presence in the family.

Ok, now that you know how much TV I watch, I'll bet you aren't surprised to learn that my own cats, Lily and Charles, usually watch with me. You’d never see it on television, but I'm often sprawled horizontally on the sofa, the two of them curled up on top of or beside me. That's what my family looks like.

What Does a Single, Gay, 50 Year Old Look Like?

So Michelle Obama has turned 48. It's kind of shocking to be older than the First Lady. I mean, Barbara Bush and Nancy Reagan with their old lady hair seemed much more advanced in years. But the current occupants of the White House are practically peers. At this rate, in the next administration, I'll be complaining that the President and First Spouse are too young to have a clue about what they're doing and that in my day ...

You get the picture.

I have to admit that this last birthday rattled me. I'm now just one year away from the half-century mark. It's not that I'm afraid of death or being unattractive. I treasure each and every gray hair. It's more that I don’t know how I should act.

What does 50 look like? The image that first comes to mind is of active grandparents. But I'm not a grandparent, nor are there prospects for becoming one.

I sort through my mind's database of images for living as a nearly 50 year old single, childless, gay person: Eccentric uncle. Spinster aunt. Confirmed bachelor. Gay divorcee. Pathetic looser. Crazy cat lady. Hmm. The closest one that fits is crazy cat lady.

It's not about how I look to others, but rather how I see myself. There's a shortage of helpful role models for people of years, in general, let alone single ones. Add gay to the mix and, well, I might as well be the only one. 

The best older role model that comes to mind is Betty White. She's beloved, respected, active, funny, and she's 90. Doesn't help me much right now.

A role model for the unmarried, in my mind, is single gal Doris Day in the 1960's movie, Pillow Talk. She's strong, beautiful, busy with her career, and has a housekeeper. Of course, in spite of fiery independence, she settles down in the end with Rock Hudson. Needless to say, she's not old in the movie, and gay didn't exist on the screen then.

It's pretty gay that I use Pillow Talk as an example. It's pretty gay that I vividly remember Rock Hudson in the bathtub scene, but I digress.

I don't sit around and pine for a husband, like Sally Rogers on the Dick Van Dyke show (another fairly gay reference and dubious single role model), but neither do I commit eternally to my singleness, forever free from the bonds of husbandly attachment. I simply want to know how I'm supposed to act now that I'm approaching the AARP demographic.

This just in. Rosie O'Donnell, I'm observing as she talks to Piers Morgan, is exactly my age. She's gay. She's engaged, but single for now. She looks fabulous. Maybe I just need to look around a little more.

Third Wheels Provide Balance

As a pretty much confirmed single individual, I've had a lot experience as the third wheel. “Third wheel” is the designation usually given to that extra person society traditionally looks down upon because she or he is not attached to another.

Well I have news for society. Recent studies indicate that unmarried people are likely to be in the majority soon.

Only 51% of U.S. adults are currently married, an all time low (I don't remember where I heard the statistic - for all you know I just made it up). This is mostly due to people waiting until later in life to tie the knot, but I'm sure divorce and economic changes play a part – to say nothing of those who live as coupled without the legal sanction.

So for now, the norm continues to be going through life in pairs. Since my friends are way beyond trying to "fix me up" just to even out the number at dinner parties, this means that when we get together, I'm the odd one.

While society prefers couples and all the symmetry they bring, I relish my role as "extra." Third wheels provide balance. We keep couples from falling over.

With this power, of course, comes responsibility. When a couple seems about to topple over as a result of conflict over a minor item, such as whether to put cilantro in the salad, I'm often looked at to settle the disagreement. It's kind of like being Vice President, casting the deciding vote in the Senate.

During more significant arguments, such as in what religion to raise the children, I'm more cautious. Tempting as it is to blurt out what I know to be the correct answer, I make it a practice to never take sides in the biggies.

If you piss off one person in the couple, you've lost both friends. And most seriously, if the couple starts to break up, be careful. Now more than ever, do not take sides. They may reconcile and when they do, the pair will remember everything you said about the one you sided against and in a united front that only a newly reconciled pair can muster, the third wheel will be spun off to search of other couples to balance.

Most Awesome Moments of 2011

There is no shortage of lists these days. I suppose it's the most efficient way of reviewing the old year as we prepare for the new. So in honor of the end of the year, here is my personal list of Awesome Moments from 2011:

• Finding out that people actually do read BillsWeek
• Going to that little local donut place (Walton's Donuts on Leetsdale) on the way to work
• Watching all five seasons of Brothers and Sisters on Netflix
• Attending new member classes at the Episcopal cathedral
• Seeing lots of friends from back east as they passed through Colorado on their summer trips
• Estudiar español y recordar algunas palabras
• Deciding that instead of going to Village Inn for a piece of pie, we'll go and buy a whole pie to take home instead
• Two, count 'em, two separate trips to San Diego
• Charles let me have a Christmas tree this year - he did break one ornament, but that's better than the whole tree, so I guess he's turning into an adult cat finally
• The discovery that visiting every Colorado state park is not going to take one year, but probably three or more
• Xanax
• Going to the Atomic Cafe for biscuits on Sunday mornings
• The Occupy Movement
• Learning how to delete channels on Pandora
• Listening to BBC Witness on the iPod at 24 Hour Fitness
• Near daily cuddles with Freddie, the Pomeranian who lives next door
• Herman Cain's spectacular downfall
• Figuring out how to use the automatic thermostat on the car heater (I've only had the car three years)
• Watching the hawks outside my office window

Happy Holidays! See you next year!

Dying Dishwasher Spurs Appliance Crisis

 When I remodeled my kitchen, the green dishwasher which melted all of my plastics was replaced with a white one that had heat control; the green stove featuring uneven metal coil burners was discarded in favor of a white model with a smooth glass top; the green fridge sporting metal shelves was replaced by an energy efficient white unit containing glass shelving. All the cheap dark corkboard cupboards and drawers were replaced with European style (or so I was told) glossy beige and blue ones.

My modern kitchen!

As a relatively new homeowner, I felt like I had taken a big step towards transforming the dumpy fixer-upper where I lived into a showpiece home.

That was 12 years ago. Since then, every three or four years, I've done a major remodel on a different part of the condo, the most expensive of which was the bathroom, itself worthy of a separate writing.

Thing is, though, I'm wondering if it's time to start all over and again invest in the kitchen.

I'm asking because the "new" dishwasher I got in 2000 is making a loud noise - like a death rattle. Recent Thanksgiving guests could barely converse without shouting over the rhythmic clang-chunk, clang-chunk, clang-chunk sound.

Do all appliances age at the same rate? Will I have to replace everything at the same time?

My worst fear is not the cost, but whether I have the nerve to empty the freezer. See, I love to freeze stuff. I really like the idea of being prepared for that blizzard which strands me in the house for several days with lots of frozen soup on which to survive. So every time I cook, I set something aside and stick it in the freezer. It feels very secure, like money in the bank.

The problem, however, is that I don't take stuff out as much as I put stuff in. It gets to the point where I'm cramming and shoving just to make room for a sandwich baggie of leftovers.

I recently found a jar of unidentified frozen substance that I was pretty sure predated the last couple of blizzards. I thought about thawing it to save the jar, but decided it was too gross to contemplate. I threw it away to make room for a baggie.

There are also a couple pounds of meat someone gave me in 2010. I don't know how long they had it before that. I've heard of people eating 10,000 year old mastodon found frozen in a glacier. The meat in my freezer isn't that old, but I'm still not sure how long I should keep it.

Way in the back of the freezer, I fear, could be items dating back to the Clinton administration.

As I foraged for a snack one afternoon, I found an old ice cream sandwich. It looked ok. But when I bit into it, my teeth encountered something completely dry, spongy, and flavorless. All ice cream had been defrosted away, leaving nothing but a scummy white shell between ancient husks of wafer. I gagged on what was basically a mummified frozen snack. I only finished it because I was hungry.

 Epilogue: The good news is I have cleaned out the freezer and now it's nearly empty. The bad news: they are predicting snow this weekend.

Is it OK to Listen to Christmas Music Before December?

Every year, starting in late August, shoppers complain that while browsing patio furniture clearance sales at the local department store, Christmas music can be heard. We shake our heads and agree that this seems to happen earlier every year. We are shocked - shocked! - at the crass commercialization of the holiday.

Everyone knows that the yuletide season shouldn't start until Thanksgiving midnight when the stores open.

Some, Christians mostly, insist that they won't acknowledge Christmas one moment before the first Sunday in Advent, the church’s official four weeks leading up to the celebration of Christ's birth.

In theory I've agreed, and yet, as I fight to hold off ho-ho-hoing until the church says it's ok, I've started to reconsider my position on the subject. Must we limit holiday happiness to a set of rigid dates?

December 25, after all, is not really Jesus' birthday, but a date selected by the early church to coincide with the return of the sun after the winter solstice (and to usurp more ancient heathen celebrations occurring at the same time).

So why do we have to wait until some date on the calendar before we start whistling Jingle Bells? What about that old Dickensian adage that we should keep Christmas in our hearts all year around? What Dickens meant, in part, was that it's ok to enjoy Christmas TV reruns when they are shown in July.

Most of December is just one rush rush rush after another - from obligatory work parties to attending your friends' kids' concerts. It's exhausting. But amidst all the craziness, music can provide a nice break. Sometimes a particular tune takes us back to another time, a happy holiday in the past. Oh sure, there is seasonal music we don't care for. I know a woman who practically goes homicidal when "Santa Baby" comes on. I personally chafe at heavy-metal versions of Little Drummer Boy. But overall, I'm always happy to start hearing the familiar tunes in the stores.

This year, I set up my Pandora holiday channels in early November. I may even get some decorations out before Thanksgiving. Mind you, at noon on January 1, I'll shut off the music and take down the lights. I know that according to the church, Christmas lasts until January 6, but come on, a person can only stand so much.

Winter, Like Laundry, Just Keeps Coming Back

No matter how much laundry you do, there's always going to be more. We don't stop wearing clothes just because clean laundry is folded on the closet shelves (or in my case, just tossed into the closet somewhere).

The trash can in the kitchen also continues to fill no matter how empty we try to keep it.

And dishes: any given evening after cleaning up, we admire the gleaming kitchen, counters free of all used plates and pots, the dishwasher rhythmically cleansing the residue of dinner away. It is never long before the first dirty glass appears. You just got everything washed up and now it's messy again!

Life never stops, even when we want it to.

We don't stop consuming beverages just because the dishes are done. The laundry basket doesn't stay empty - you toss a little into it every day, eventually stuffing it beyond overflowing, and finally you have no choice but to wash a load.

I suppose you could think of it as the circle of life: like birth and death, over and over again. Autumn is a good time to contemplate life's cycles, like the rotation of the seasons, one right after the other, repeatedly over time.

Winter is kind of like laundry. You think it's behind you but it always comes back with its dark nights and cold weather. What happened to summer? Wasn't it just a few days ago that every window was open? And even though we've barely recovered from the last round, it's time to prepare for the holidays again.

The years roll by faster and faster, like the washer's final spin cycle. Which reminds me, I need to do a load.